I’m
a latcher. I latch on to others' ideas as if they’re my own. I do it to the
extent that I’m not sure what ideas and plans I really actually want to do for
me and me alone and which ones I simply think I want to because so-and-so wants
to.
This
is both a terrible thing and a wonderful thing. It’s terrible because I’m
always conflicted, always torn between all these plans and ideas that others
come up with. The instant someone says something about any kind of future
life-plans I automatically imagine this possible future where I’m doing
something similar or I am where they are.
It’s
wonderful because I’m constantly imagining my life in hundreds of different
ways. Anything feels possible. All the potential futures seem within grasp.
It
happened just today. Twice actually. First my roommate and one of my closest
friends, Sarah, came home from a weekend at Penn State for a grad school
interview. She’s chatting on about Pennsylvania and someone says, “So we’re
going to come live there with you, right?” And I flash forward to a possibility
where I end up in Pennsylvania. I’m living with Sarah, teaching, going to grad
school and loving life. I feel a pull towards this possible life.
Not
even two hours later I’m sitting at the circulation desk, working at the
library when a fellow education friend of mine comes up to the desk. We talk on
and on about lesson plans, PPAs, observations and the daily trials of student
teaching. Then we talk about next year. She mentions that she’s interested in
the Stonehill India program. Which is something I’ve been considering since I
stepped on this campus. All of a sudden I flash forward to this possible future. One in India for a year, a place I’ll
probably never get to otherwise. Teaching. I feel a pull towards this possible
life.
I
feel these pulls towards all these different possible lives everyday. The truly
difficult, seemingly impossible task is making the choice. I am paralyzed by
making the choice. What do I actually
want?
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